Some kind of nature

I think it’s safe to say that most guys are
impulsive.
They will do what they want and do what they have to do to get something, or someone. The thought process for doing this is minimal. 

He would’ve done something, anything, by now if he wanted me. And I know that. But it’s not soaking in…
EVERY NIGHT I think about him. He’s a distraction that I can’t distract myself from. I know, as do others, for a FACT that he doesn’t like me.
There are no feelings for me on his part. I know this. But I don’t want to believe it. Why? I hate this feeling. A tornado of feeling pathetic and lonely and upset… I hate it. I hate feeling weak. I want and need to overcome this. I’m sick of having his smoldering brown eyes, his perfectly structured jawline, his cynical smile, his drop-dead-from-laughing jokes, constantly taking up valuable space in my mind.

I haven’t seen/spoken to him in 3 months I think? You’d think that would be more than enough time to get over someone.

nope.

I don’t get it. And I know we wouldn’t be good together. He’s out of my league. And I know that, once again, I would be the man in the relationship. I would be the one delivering compliments and explaining why he’s so amazing.
I sometimes feel that I’d never get treated this way because there’s nothing to compliment, nothing to explain. 

Hypothetically speaking, though, if we were together, I would not take him for granted. He is such a great kid. He’s so talented. I don’t think he gets that he needs to be with a girl that won’t take him loosely.
I’ve never met anyone like him, and everytime I do meet a new guy who seems relatively interesting, I always end up comparing them to him.

It sucks that I know he doesn’t do the same thing when he meets a new girl.
It sucks. It really, truly, honestly fucking sucks. It hurts a lot. And, once again, a wave of sappy weakness washes over me and I’m left feeling helpless and resolve to thinking happy thoughts, aka thoughts about him, to console myself. 

The whole concept of dating or even meeting someone new just doesn’t appeal to me anymore. I can only picture myself with him, but even then I know that wouldn’t be a good idea.
but I continue to think of it anyway. So rebellious, I know.

I’m in a slump. These unpaid internships are keeping me going, though. It’s something to distract myself from him. Something to keep myself occupied and focus on building a blueprint for my future, I guess. 



… I miss him. I miss him as a friend.
I always had fun with him. Always. We would just get food or get lost or he would crash my lectures or I would go watch him at one of his break-dancing sessions. We always had something to do.
I never really had this kind of relationship with someone before. Someone I always had fun with. It was pleasant, always having that to look forward to whenever he would ask me to hangout, or vice versa. 
It upsets me that my feelings for him probably got in the way of our friendship.
It upsets me that I was an asshole about it.
It upsets me that I can never deal with shit properly. 

That’s not to say that I was the only problem, because I know I wasn’t.
He was an inconsiderate asshole that thought about himself and only himself about 85% of the time. His ego got in the way of a lot of things, and I think the value of our friendship was something he didn’t completely realize. Unless it didn’t mean as much to him as it did/does to me. Then never mind. During our last year in high school, our friendship was more about him than anything.
But he has matured since then, so I guess that’s something. He’s still a fuck though.

He’s never going to read this, which is the perfect opportunity for me to apologize.

I am so sorry. Sorry for being a stupid shit that can’t deal with anything that’s considered a problem or anything relatively conflicting. Sorry for being so overtly stubborn if that prevented you from having legitimate meaningful conversations with me about feelings and stuff. Sorry for (sometimes) letting my jealousy get the best of me. 

I’m sorry that I actually wasted tears thinking about you. I’m sorry that your selfishness has blinded you from seeing any real potential in people and things that could have brought you great good. I’m sorry that you’re a disgusting self-centered prick who feels the need to treat me like ass because I ‘deserved it’. 
I’m sorry that you’re ignorance and arrogance makes you the dumb-founded, idiotic, self-righteous turd that cares way too much about your physical appearance and overall attire and the people you hang out with. I’m sorry that you’re not bright enough to realize that denying your feelings will not benefit you in any way. 



I’m sorry that you’re so much like me haha

I always mess up. Whether it’s academically or socially, I always mess up.
In most cases I don’t understand what I did wrong. Sometimes I think I didn’t do anything wrong.
Personally, I like who I am. I can be an asshole most of the time, and believe me, I’ve tried changing that (mainly because I’ve received numerous complaints about it), but I’ve come to realize that I don’t want to change that part of me.
Wait.
Those aren’t the right words. I mean I probably could change it, but I just don’t have the drive to do so. I think that part of me is interesting, and I like to keep things a little fun. Take it from someone who has a few boring friends; being an ass can sometimes be a good thing. It adds some colour to life. l o l

“You can never have a serious conversation with her…unless it’s over texts.”
I seriously despise him for saying that. But it’s true. He knows that I can only have a serious conversation over text messaging because I’d rather not show my emotions in person; in real life.
Did he get me to admit that he liked me because he wanted to prove himself right? Or that he actually felt the same way?
I don’t know. He’s a hell of a good liar so it’s hard to tell. But either way, what he did was pretty mean in my opinion. I mean he tells me that he always wonders what it would be like if we actually got together, and that he has feelings for me but he tries not to think about it because he thinks that I wouldn’t reciprocate those feelings. And then he asks one of my friends to be his girlfriend.
I shouldn’t have lied to myself about him.
Fuck. I really did like him. Though dating him would’ve been the worst thing for me. It’d be too much maintenance. And honestly, I’m not saying this because I pity myself or because I think I’m not attractive, but he can do better than me. He’s hot.
At this point I just want him to spit in my face, call me hideous (although he kind of already did that), and tell me he no longer has feelings for me. I have no idea why, but I still think he kind of likes me. I DON’T KNOW WHY. I don’t want him to.
He already treated me like crap that one day, so how am I not still over him? I don’t get itttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
I’ve even gone on a couple dates with some other guy who from what I know seems pretty fucking rad.
I think I need to start avoiding him again.

He got over me. Why can’t I?

I knew I’d be back. Fuck.
Not going to write an essay this time because tired also school tomorrow

I’ve been trying to keep up with the news lately, partially because I have to for my news studies class, but also because I feel like knowing more stuff about stuff would be good for the whole ‘exercising my mind’ that I mentioned before.
There’s a lot of issues that go on in Toronto. In Canada. In North America. Everywhere.
And most of it is disgusting.
Afghan’s are mad because Afghan’s are killing Afghans. Seriously? Why the shit would anyone resolve to killing their own race, let alone slaughtering at all. I just… lol I don’t understand. I mean, I do understand that war and violence is completely unpreventable because it’s natural for the human race to feel and act this way. But why do people feel the need to resort to bloody, gory violence to prove a point or “protect/defend”? Can’t we all just come to a simple compromise?
Probably not. This is exactly why people fucking suck.
The news is very depressing. There’s so much to know, and there is never enough time to just stop for a minute and think.
Politics is another thing that ticks me off. Yea, it’s important that we have politicians to stabilize our government and provide guidance for the population, but I don’t think it’s worth hyping over empty promises. Not to say that everything Justin Trudeau or Kathleen Wyleen (however you spell her last name) say is complete and utter bullshit, because there’s a chance that it isn’t. But taking sides just doesn’t sit right with me. We are taught to treat everyone fairly in respect to belonging to a democratic nation. If someone were to actually take the time to reflect on the viewpoints of potential or current prime ministers like Stephen Fucking Shithead Harper, they would realize how absurd people’s intentions can be. Oh, I’m fully aware that what I just said is full of flaws, but frankly, I could care less about politics. I’m more focused on keeping true to myself - something that politicians should pick up on. heuheuheuehuehuh
So yea. That’s how I feel about the news I guess.


On a more positive note, Paul Rudd looked like quite the spiffy hobo at the Oscars.

In one of my university lectures, we had a guest speaker come in. He told us that we should always write. Whether it’s in a journal, or a blog; whether it’s a formal piece, or a shitty thing like this one, we should just do it. It’s good practise for our mind, he said. So, I figured I may as well give it a shot here. I mean, who’s going to even read this, right? Good lord I hope no one does. Actually no. I don’t really care.
I applied to the radio and television program at my university. I’m almost certain that I won’t get accepted though. My english mark barely met the minimum requirement last year. Also my research essay for my portfolio was a complete joke. Seriously, it was worse than the shit that spews out of my ass every Tuesday after having indulged in a Tuesday special feast at KFC.
Regardless of my shitty portfolio and english mark that I will hopefully bump up this year in summer school, I feel like I would fit in SO WELL in this program.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed by the idea that I would get to learn about things I’d actually enjoy learning. Like filming. Audio production. Broadcasting. All that fun stuff. But it’s not just that.
I feel like I kind of… belong there. My whole life, I’ve loved music. And yea, I know everyone says that. But I feel like it’s a different situation with me. Having an older brother (which I am so grateful for because I’d be such a pansy without him) has been a great influence on me. He exposed me to different genres on music, but mainly rap. I was more into punk rock (still am). So I’ve learned to appreciate……….most genres I guess ha. Gotta send out an apology to the Biebs cause that’s one ‘musician’ I won’t have a place in my heart for. Nevertheless, music is my life. Despite my parents being old farts, their taste in music isn’t reflected in my preferences. I got into The Beach Boys, The Monkees, Buddy Holly, all those guys, on my own, which I am extremely proud of. I would say that this is one of the big things that makes me such a well-rounded kid. I’m not good enough of a guitarist to make it in the business, but if I were to become an audio producer or get a career that involved being part of the music industry, it would be…beyond my comprehension. Ha I’m getting overjoyed just thinking about it.
As for television, I’ve only ever had basic cable, so clearly, I didn’t have a lot to work with as a kid. But I somehow managed to become a TV fanatic at one point in my life. Cartoons are great. I mean, the new ones suck, but the ones in my day were fucking awesome. They were so wholesome. And entertaining. It was hard not to fall in love with them. But from what I remember, watching VH1 re-runs on MuchMore Music (NOT MUCH) was what my life consisted of during my junior years of high school. Top 100 Greatest Rock Songs, The Worst Glam Rock ‘Hair’ Bands (they were all the worst in my opinion), Most Memorable Front-Men. Shows like that were what I constantly watched, which explains my trivial knowledge of music. Basic cable also let me discover the joy that is  talk shows. I think the first one I’ve ever seen was the Wanda Sykes Show. Yea, it’s weird I know. Most people probably would’ve said Ellen or Oprah. Meh. Wanda was funny. I gave Jay Leno a shot but…yea. His chin kind of got in the way. Come on, everyone has to crack a joke about the chin when his name is mentioned! Jimmy Kimmel was tolerable, too. But then I happened to stumble upon Jimmy Fallon one night. Sweet, sweet Jimmy Fallon. It was basically love at first sight. What I absolutely LOVED (and still do!) about him is that he let’s loose with whoever he’s interviewing. It’s as if casually talking and playing games with them like he does is just the norm. if I were to ever become a TV show host or a radio broadcaster, that’s what I would like to be like. Because it’s not always about the questioning and the gossip. Sometimes we’re all in need of a good water fight on air. Oh, also just to quickly wrap up, I listen to the radio a lot, mainly 102.1 the edge and Q107 classic rock. I fucking can’t get enough of music, man. Heck, I even have the radio playing while I shower.
I’m probably missing something, but whatever, this is tumblr, WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK RIGHT. I really do feel like I’m a worthy candidate for the radio and television program. It sucks that I wasted 50 buckaroos on my protfolio because I know I’m not getting accepted because of my damn grade 12 english mark. But at first if you don’t succeed, try and try again. Kudos to the man that came up with that quote.
ALSO SNL FUCK FORGOT TO MENTION I LOVE THAT SHOW JESUS CHRIST THE VERY FIRST SEASON ON DVD IS ON SALE AND I CAN’T WAIT TO GET IT ALSO I LOVE AMY POEHLER AND WILL FERRELL ALSO JIMMY FALLON WAS ON THAT TOO GOD DAMMIT SNL bye


Sorry to say, but I’ll probably be back. Sucks for you all hAhA